| down and out... |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|04:43 pm] |
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I need something more. Three days of stress for what to do with my bills, no money...not enough to live. I'm below Canada's poverty level...hungry, but full...Not content...not excited for anything, because it seems to cost too much. I'm spending my days crunching numbers, watching the sun rise and set, wishing I was somewhere else. Confused at the light and dark of my generation... I will never have contentment...I will never be whole. |
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| ho hum |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|04:47 pm] |
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There is nothing like a good egg in the morning! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2006|08:53 pm] |
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The red sox won on thursday...beat the yankeesssss...haaa haaaa haaaaaa! |
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| allofthesudden |
[May. 11th, 2006|06:10 pm] |
i feel like an ass for signing up for something like this, as i would never consider it otherwise. i'm too cheap for therapy. that's what happens when you're overworked and underpaid...you get cheap. ahhh...
the last year has been insane. it's been a year since santa cruz and san francisco. we were sitting around last night, drinking wine, talking about the stuff we've done in the last five years, all flooding back like a tidal wave...then i realize i've probably had too much to drink. a likely story.
this is what i have to get out:
i'm sorry for all the things i never told you, more so for the things i did say.
like the time i drove past your house, and how you're always sad that i have poor use of capitaliztion. now you're gone, and all that's left are these photos which i have no idea what to do with, six weeks full of memories, and my visa bill. how i never visited you, though i said i would. and you never came back here either, so it seems more valid. so...now it's just out. over. done. the cycle has ended.
i'll just never forget where i'm from. though i don't want to go back.
we've put bandaids on this for too long and now it's time to just rip them off and let the wounds heal...
i was welcomed into the world at 3:51 in the morning, by my parents who had been at some party or something, for someone's birthday. i was two weeks late (story of my life). my earliest memories are of my dad carrying me across the street to be babysat by this lady named...ummm can't remember...lori? anyway, yada yada...my brother comes along, and we don't really hit it off to well. according to everyone else, i tried to "kill" him on many occasions, even attempting to hold his head underwater. i was 4. who knew? that's what happens when you're awkward. everyone's waiting for your next move. and you feel it. you know it. so my mom leaves for europe one day. we started school alone. i remember taking my brother to kindergaarten. i remember waiting, in anticipation, for her to come back and tell us why she missed it, why she wasn't there...but...she didn't. the funny part is, i remember her leaving, but i don't remember her coming back...i guess she just fit back in, and over time, the sore spot calloussed and my bro and i went back to life. little snippets of memories here and there...baseball, camping with our neighbors, summer skin, sunlight and sand...we just didn't know any different. so we didn't talk about it. my brother and i share a special bond that we'll never let go of. i'll never let him be alone. i'll never stop holding his hand when he wants his mom, and all i can do is tell him she's coming, but in my 7 year old mind, i don't know why she's gone myself. from then on, we'd be seperated, and my mom was no longer close. i pushed her as far as i could, and vowed that if i ever had a kid, i would never leave. ever.
now i understand a little better that my brother and i probably came a little too soon, right in the midst of the partying and other stuff all of their friends were doing. i'm older than my mom was when she had me, and i can't imagine. still...we were there, and needed her.
we got along without her. we still do. i wish it was different, but we can't go back.
last year, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. i just bawled into the phone, hoping that the news i received would go back into the receiver, through the phone line and correct itself, and go to someone else's telephone conversation. then i thought, nothing makes people revert from their old ways like coming face to face with their mortality...or someone else's. well. in true my mother fashion, not a lot was talked about, i went to stay and pretended to be someone i wasn't again...to please her. why do i do it...everytime. it's selfish and horrible, but sometimes near death experiences are grand and beneficial. (i'll get to that later) i'm not ready to let her know me.
we have a lot to discuss, and though i don't think she'll ever hear it, i know i'll be at peace one day...my bro too...soon.
ahh feels better...dinner time. |
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